There is no greater agony, than bearing an untold story inside you.
It has been six weeks since my last post. I sat at my dining table and wrote about those-we-have-not-yet-seen.html while I lovingly put a hand over my womb, carrying a new life that the world did not yet know about. That blog post was bittersweet, because it had rubbed raw the memories of the loss of our second baby. It was also healing to be able to feel the joy of a new baby inside me; this would be our fourth.
Two weeks after that Monday morning that I posted here, we went in for our first ultrasound.
For sale: Baby shoes; never worn.
Many times when I watch my son and daughter run and play, I see my third, a boy running along with them. I hear him laugh. I imagine him also hugging me when the two who live here on earth have their chubby arms round my neck. When I see families with three kids, there is an ache in my chest because I do have three children of my own; but one of them doesn't live with us. He lives with God.
In the April of 2015, I lost my second child through a miscarriage. I miss him inexplicably.
If you haven't already, you can read about my story with him here: the-second-wave.html
In the last two months, several of my dear friends have lost children. I have mourned six miscarriages in these past eight weeks.
Happy New Year folks!
I've missed you...if that makes any sense :D. I've come to know so many of you, and had some incredible conversations. Hearing time and time again of a person's pain so similar to mine, and how God has shone light into people's hearts through my own dark valley, well...there's nothing quite like it. Thank you for the comments and emails, you've given me perspective, encouraged me deeply and made me cry tears of joy. Keep 'em coming :).
This weekend was a busy one for us. We hosted three sets of guests in two days. That doesn't happen around here. With my three year hiatus from the world in general, this was a big deal. I willingly invited these people over, served them drinks, and food, had long conversations remaining engaged the entire time. I wasn't buried in the avalanche of anxiety . I didn't have a blinding migraine. I didn't break down crying in the bathroom from overwhwelming stress. I genuinely had a fantastic time with our friends. When we shut the front door for the final time on Saturday evening, Bryan and I collapsed onto the couch in a heap. He cupped my face and said, "Well done my girl, you were amazing."
"As long as you want anything very much, especially more than you want God, it is an idol."
I'm sorry for dropping off the planet these last two weeks. I've been battling a relapse in my anxiety, as well as some killer migraines. Finally came out safe and sound of the anxiety tunnel; the migraines however are still a major issue. Thanking God for a fantastic doctor who is taking care of me. Your prayers are more than welcome.
I had a great three days at the beach to celebrate my sister's birthday this past weekend. I went intending to plan my next post about this body image idolatry, but God in His power and wisdom humbled me and stilled my heart with the stunning beauty of this world He created.
Christian, wife, mom, doctor, and an alien on earth, on my way to the city of God.